So I thought I’d briefly interrupt my winter hibernation to make a single, not-to-be-repeated Christmas-themed blog post. ‘Tis the Giving thing to do, or something.
I could post about Christmas food (since I love to cook); wintry scenery (since we had proper snow here last week); buying Christmas gifts (because getting into a huge tizzy over buying (not making, tsk) a gift for every single person we know is an important seasonal tradition); or maybe even Christmas spirit, if I wanted to be particularly putrid.
Instead, I thought I’d write about Christmas decorations and how f*cking awful they are.
I’ve distilled my involuntary, but nonetheless extensive, decoration research down to three top candidates for Worst Christmas Decoration Known to Man. In order of least awful to most, here they are.
Third Place
The biggest cuddly polar-thing there must’ve been two or three feet tall. Now, the Netherlands is a tiny, over-crowded country and as a result of that, all the houses are shoe boxes.
Scratch that. Match boxes.
We considered having a Christmas tree this year (for at least five or six minutes, that is). We don’t do too badly for space compared to some, but still, there was no way we were going to be able to fit much of a tree into our living room.
I would love to meet the people who are not only a) rich enough to buy a house with sufficient space for a Christmas tree AND extra wintery-themed displayery, and b) possess such god-awful taste as to buy the above and install it on prime display in said mansion.
Yeah, I know people have kids. That is no excuse.
Second Place
Gosh, look at all those jolly little Santas. So similar, yet so individual. Look, one of those has grey Santa clothes! Isn’t that cute?
What are these for…?
I was sorely tempted to get the giant one and stand it in my hallway. Imagine the fun of getting up to let the cat out in the middle of the night and running into that in the dark.
*scream*
First Place
Yes. Yes, those are fake, wintry-white stuffed reindeers. With antlers. I can’t count the number of times I’ve thought, ‘Yes. The one thing this Christmas tree needs is more severed heads!’
I’ve had a brilliant idea. Let’s fetch those lovely Santas from up thataways and take all the heads off. Then we’ll hang all of the heads – reindeer and Santa-man alike – on the tree together. The really big one can go on the top, in place of a star.
I tell you, nobody does Christmas decorating like me.
On which note, I wish you all a super winter holiday (of whatever type it may be). I hope you all have sufficient severed faux-fur heads (and headless Santas) to have a truly happy couple of weeks.
Eat plenty of chocolate, soak up plenty of hugs and I’ll see you in the new year.
